Nothing Left to Lose
by Icky Wick
Summary: AU Vignette In the aftermath of Tahl's death, Qui-Gon Jinn feels he has nothing left to lose. Complete


Disclaimer: I do not possess rights to the StarWars name or the characters herein. The StarWar universe is afaik the intellectual property of George Lucas.  
  
Qui-Gon Jinn stared unseeingly at the padd before him. He knew he had something important scheduled for this day, but all thoughts and memories had been overlaid, blurred, superseded by one cherished countenance: his beloved Tahl, lost to him within the Force. He supposed he could look up his schedule on the padd, but he could not muster sufficient will to do so.  
  
His door chimed.  
  
The master glanced briefly at the wallchrono--late morning; his apprentice's friends should be at class and would know regardless not to disturb him here. Jinn's own friends had stopped visiting, although every now and then one would send a comm or holo that he'd ignore. Who then? Normally he might have returned to his sleeping quarters and ignored the caller, but some presentiment of dread stayed his flight. With a pained sigh he palmed open the door.  
  
Some unknown junior padawan walked inside. Anger flared within him, only to be dispersed once more into the Force. How dare she intrude upon his solitude? He resolved to lecture his padawan about inviting his friends over. "Yes?" he demanded of the petite girl.  
  
"Excuse me, Master Jinn," the diminuative Jedi squeaked, "but Councillor Windu sent me to remind you about your appointment--" At Qui-Gon's faintly annoyed expression, she supplied, "You have a meeting with the Council. Or had one," the padawan commented, "a half-hour ago."  
  
This sounded vaguely familiar to him. Thoughts sluggishly churned within the master's mind. He remembered Mace comming sometime within the past few days, maybe even last night--the Councillor had overridden his block-- claiming something was urgent. Yes. He couldn't recall the particulars of his former crechemate's rant, but the phrase, "You'd better not mess this up," had been spoken with particular emphasis.  
  
The child was standing there awaiting his response, Qui-Gon realized.  
  
"Thank you, padawan," he curtly told her. "I'm on my way."  
  
The girl bobbed a curtsy, then fled.  
  
The massive man stepped into the fresher, briefly ran his fingers through his hair, and slapped cold water into his face. He peered into the mirror, scrupulously avoiding his own eyes. /Good enough./ His robe, however, hung more shabbily than he'd noticed before, with fraying cuffs and set-in wrinkles. He dared not add to his lateness and further antagonize the Council by taking the time to change, though.  
  
Within ten minutes he arrived at the reception area just outside the Council Chambers. The Council secretary looked up from her padds and frowned at him. Master Jinn bowed perfunctorially. "Good morning. I have an appointment--"  
  
"Yes; I know," the secretary told him, both hands working at Force-enhanced speed upon the padds. "You're late...this is playing havoc with the schedule!" she scolded him. "I had to rearrange three priority meetings because of this--this!" She sighed. "Well you might as well go in. They're expecting you."  
  
Qui-Gon approached the Council door, and it swung open. To his surprise, all the Councillors were present, even including the ever-active Master Gallia...and a glowering Mace Windu. Only a matter of greatest import would cause the Jedi Council to assemble in its entirity. He bowed. "My masters. I regret that--"  
  
"Yes, yes; sorry you are that late you have come," was Yoda's sarcastic comment. "Heard this before we have. Proceed to other matters we must."  
  
Qui-Gon was not used to such brusquerie from his grandmaster, but his diplomatic training kicked in and he answered (and rather graciously too, he thought), "As you wish, Master Yoda."  
  
"Hmph. Know you, why we have sent for you?"  
  
He scanned his memory of his conversation with Mace, but if the Councillor had mentioned anything, Qui-Gon hadn't heard it. From the look Mace was giving him, however, Jinn dared not admit such ignorance outright. "Not for a mission," he temporized, "or else you would have summoned my apprentice--" He preferred having Obi-Wan along for the briefings, that way his charge could learn the mission parameters directly instead of asking all those extraneous questions...questions that Qui-Gon didn't want to answer.  
  
Mace visibly shifted at Qui-Gon's comments. "Know you, where your apprentice is?" Yoda persisted.  
  
A wave of unease cascaded through the master, much to his puzzlement. "At class," Qui-Gon told him. They could tell time just as well as he. Hopefully they wouldn't ask for the class specifics, like the course name or instructor. He couldn't even recall the day of the week. "Surely you know--"  
  
The gimer came down with a crack. "In bacta tank Obi-Wan is! Injured he was last night; come home he did not, inquire at healers' you did not!"  
  
Jinn blinked. Yesterday seemed fuzzy and he couldn't specifically remember his padawan's return, but he'd still have noticed if his padawan stayed out all night, or had been injured. Wouldn't he? Yoda's ears drooped. "With all due deference, I respect my padawan's judgement. He's usually scrupulous about his curfew, so I had no reason to question..." Qui-Gon trailed off. His words sounded weak even to himself.  
  
Yoda was grasping his stick very tightly. "Every reason you had! His master you are, in pain he was."  
  
Even after being made aware of his padawan's injury, he could not sense it. "He must be shielding our bond."  
  
"Shattered his leg he did," Yoda retorted. "Block that pain from you he could not!"  
  
Reluctantly Qui-Gon touched their bond and felt...nothing. He'd known their connection had dwindled over the previous tendays, but the fragile filament he located could hardly be considered a functional training bond. His eyes widened with sudden understanding.  
  
"Neglected your bond you have, leave it to wither and die, as you do with your apprentice."  
  
"No," he denied in a whisper. He was no monster. Qui-Gon was experiencing some rough times; he would reestablish the bond as soon as he could overcome this pain. In the meantime the faded bond was all for the boy's good. Why should he suffer from his master's anguish? "How is--"  
  
"Died he could have, drowned, if found him Master Yaddle had not."  
  
"I--I did not know," Qui-Gon admitted guiltily.  
  
Yoda's ears flattened further. "That is the problem. Allow this to continue we cannot."  
  
"I refuse to see Soulhealers--"  
  
Mace chuckled mirthlessly. "This has gone far beyond the Soulhealers, old friend." The sober councillor steepled his fingers and stared at his erstwhile crechemate. "Look, Qui, we've tried to be sympathetic. We've allowed you ample time to seek help, but we cannot afford to wait any longer. Obi-Wan must be our primary concern here."  
  
Qui-Gon felt vaguely nauseous as forboding gripped him. "You're not going to--"  
  
"Removing Padawan Kenobi from your care we are," Yoda pronounced solemnly.  
  
"You can't!" Jinn exclaimed. "I promised to make him a knight." His life's purpose had narrowed to the fulfillment of this promise. The oath drew him from his bed when he'd prefer never to rise, forced him to eat when food held no savor, tethered him to his tormented body when he would have sought eternal serenity within the Force. But just a few years, a few years more, and then he could rejoin his dearest Tahl.  
  
"Oh, he'll be a knight," Windu assured him grimly.  
  
How easy it would be to abdicate all responsibility to the Council, to release the final tie holding him to this life! Much to his confusion he could not let go, not yet. "How? He needs a master--"  
  
"Plenty of masters expressed interest in him as an initiate," Mace said coolly. "I'm sure they--"  
  
"--Impossible! Then why--Bandomeer--"  
  
Masters Windu and Yoda exchanged pregnant glances. Mace looked away. "Meant you to be together, the Force did. Or so I thought."  
  
Anger roiled within Qui-Gon, which the master belatedly purged. He took a centering breath. "Did you ever tell him about your machinations? No, of course not. The great master Yoda meddles in the lives of us mere mortals, and leaves others to sweep up the pieces." A mental susurrus permeated the room, but Master Jinn ignored it. For once the mental lassitude left him. "Do you know how much he doubted himself? You let him believe he was rejected as unworthy--"  
  
"Rejected him I have not; neither called him unworthy, nor claimed him too full of anger. Accept that burden for yourself you should, hmm?"  
  
"How dare--"  
  
"But meddled I should not have. That was not my right," Yoda admitted.  
  
Qui-Gon pounced upon the rare confession. "And it's not your right to meddle with an established master-padawan pair--"  
  
Councillor Windu interrupted, "The Council would not lightly undertake this step." His dark eyes, usually unreadable, glowed with some unvoiced emotion for an instant. "If it were anyone else we would have intervened long before. Padawan Kenobi's accident forced us to acknowledge how much our inaction has hurt him." He lifted one hand to his forehead. "By waiting this long we've done neither of you any favors."  
  
For some reason Jinn himself couldn't discern, he found himself arguing, pleading to keep the boy. "It's too extreme a solution--"  
  
"--An extreme situation it has become," Yoda countered.  
  
Qui-Gon ignored him, "--and now that my masters have brought these issues to my attention, I will certainly address them--"  
  
Windu lifted his hand. "How? You need to heal, and until then you can't provide the guidance he needs."  
  
He wouldn't listen; he wouldn't! An inexplicable panic assailed him. "He won't accept anyone else as his master; he'll be lost to the Jedi--"  
  
"Other masters there are, and if need to, train him myself I will," the troll interposed.  
  
The tall Jedi stopped cold. Obi-Wan wouldn't refuse Yoda; so often had the troll involved himself in the padawan's training that Qui-Gon felt as though he and the troll were sharing an apprentice. So Qui-Gon was unneeded after all. At least the boy would finally have a worthy teacher. That old emptiness bubbled within him, sucking out the vestiges of emotion within him. "Very well. You've obviously reached your decision, and anything I say is moot. Take him and do with him as you wish--you'll do so anyway. But if you expect my benediction you're sadly mistaken."  
  
He swirled his cloak and stalked away with more bravado than he felt.  
  
He'd thought he'd had nothing left to lose. He was wrong. 


End file.
